What happens in The World of Darkness
by Neverose
Summary: Oneshot. Riku x ? - Riku's drunken confession causes a variety of reactions...


What happens in the World of Darkness…

This is a one-shot comedy fanfic inspired by various sleep-deprived comments made by myself during an all-nighter KH2 session with my beloved Lillyankh. We kicked ass. And the next day, we thought of writing this fic. The original idea was mine but she helped me to develop it.

I hope that you enjoy it and that it may provide much amusement,

Neverose.

xXx

Riku had never particularly enjoyed his birthdays. He wasn't sure if it was Sora's annual pleas that they go to Pride Lands Play Park or his own dark worries of growing old alone, but they never really seemed that special. Either way, this year, when Sora yet again begged Riku to let them spend his birthday at the Play Park, Riku stoically replied;

"No! For the last time, we are _not _going to the playground. I'm _twenty-two _for Christ's sake!"

"Oh, but _Riku…" _

Sora's whining almost penetrated the older man's resolve, but he maintained his composure and stated firmly that, "We are _not _behaving like five year olds this year." Sora gave his trademark puppy-dog eyes, complete with a quivering lip, and Riku's expression softened.

"Sora, I would love for you to be there, wherever we go. More than anything. But we are _not_ going to the play park."

Sora smiled at his best friend's sensitivity, but was still annoyed that for another year he would be denied the sheer unadulterated pleasure of the Pride Lands Play Park…

"Fine… What are we doing then?" he asked tersely.

Riku considered this question for a moment. "We're going to get drunk." Both Cloud and Leon cheered, whilst Sora tried and failed to hide his disappointment. However, he grudgingly took his coat from the hanger and followed the three men towards the bar.

xXx

It had been Leon's idea to start playing the 'I never' game. He had started by raising his bottle of beer and announcing proudly,

"I have never stolen from a moogle,"

He promptly took a generous gulp of his beer, thereby demonstrating – as were the rules of the game – that he had in fact stolen from a moogle. Cloud followed suit and took a swig of his own drink whilst Riku chuckled and Sora simply looked horrified.

"You stole from moogles? How could you guys?" Sora's fascination with the pom-pom clad creatures had always been a subject of amusement amongst the group, and both Leon and Cloud took this opportunity to rub their delinquencies in Sora's clearly offended face by taking an extra swig of beer each, just for good measure. Once Sora had stopped scowling, Cloud cleared his throat and stated,

"I have never had sex;" before taking an even larger swig of beer and looking doubtfully at Sora, who – along with the rest of the group – had taken a drink.

"You've never had sex," Cloud accused at the spiky-haired boy.

"Yeah, Cloud's right," Riku added. "No way would you ever have sex and not brag to your best friend about it."

"And besides," it was Leon's turn to join in now, "you've got that look about you. You know… sexless."

"Sexless?" Sora questioned with a mixture of confusion and embarrassment.

"Well, you know. It's like… Like…" Leon struggled to find the right words to make his point. Cloud saw where he was going, however, and eagerly finished his sentence for him.

"Disneys."

"What…?" asked Leon and Sora together.

"Disneys," Cloud repeated. "They are sexless beings. Take King Mickey, for example. Now, sure, the guy's married. But just look at him! And, more importantly, _listen _to him! He is more innocent than Kairi's Care Bear and just as cute. The only way he'd ever be able to have any tiny little mouse babies would be through some sort of Immaculate Conception!"

"Yeah, that's right!" Leon assured. "That's exactly what I meant. Like, you would never believe in a million years that Sora's had sex, or that anything with a name as alliterative as Mickey Mouse could even own a set of reproductive organs." Sora looked down at his shoes, unsure as to whether he should feel more hurt or weirded out by the conversation going on around him, whilst Riku – who had been laughing at the frivolities up until this point – had turned a ghostly shade of white.

Cloud had noticed.

"Hey, Riku? What's up with you?"

"Oh, uhm, nothing. I just need to go back to the mouse. Ach – The _HOUSE_! I need to go back to the house!" Riku tried to stand up but Leon put his hand on his arm.

"The _mouse? _Did, uhm, something we said just freak you out or something? Cuz, like, we were only joking…" Leon chuckled. "Seriously man, even Sora could take it as a joke!"

Riku looked fearfully up at the man before trying to leave his seat again. This time both Leon and Cloud held him down.

"Seriously," asked Cloud, "what the hell?"

Riku looked down – suddenly taking far more than the usual level of interest in his beverage – whilst the three men took turns to shoot him curious looks.

"Look…" started Riku, shakily, "it's Mickey – _TRICKY – _it's tricky. You know… As a topic. I mean… how can anyone really know the answer without violating the innocence of the Disney race, and, therefore, destroying it?" Leon and Cloud looked doubtful, whilst Sora attempted to ponder the moral quandary.

"Congratulations," Cloud muttered, "you've just turned our drinking game into a philosophical debate. Boring or what?" Both he and Leon returned to their seats and ordered another beer each.

Sora returned to his own drink – an Appletini – and asked Riku quietly, "So… who have you had sex with then?" Riku paled once more, before turning an almost fluorescent shade of red. Shaking, he turned to his friends.

"I did _not _have sex with Mickey Mouse!" The room fell silent. Sora dropped his Appletini as Leon and Cloud turned their heads to give Riku one of the most confused and concerned looks that they had ever collectively given.

"I'm sorry?" Leon queried, failing to keep the chuckle out of his voice.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure we never said that you did…" added Cloud. "In fact," he continued, "I'd go so far as to say that you were the only person in the room who was thinking that – and therefore…" Cloud trailed off as a look of utter disgust crept over his face. He looked Riku squarely in the face and simply whispered, "No…"

Riku turned redder and tried to speak. To say something – anything – that would prevent his friends from finding out the truth.

Leon looked at his blonde partner in concern. Something had really disturbed him and… Leon turned to face Riku as the realisation dawned upon his own face. Sora was still oblivious to the situation and flitted his gaze blankly from one horrified face to the other. Suddenly, Leon burst out laughing and said;

"You… you slept with… Mickey fucking Mouse!"

Sora gasped and turned to face his friend in horror. "Riku! Why would they say that! It's… it's… it's so gross..." Sora sank to his seat as he turned the colour of his spilt beverage. He put his hand on his stomach for fear that he might vomit.

"Oh man… That's just wrong," Cloud stated. "I mean… He's so… short."

Leon gave Cloud a flabbergasted look. "_That's _your issue with this! The fact that he's vertically challenged!"

Riku whacked his head against the bar with enough force to send his own drink flying. It hit Sora squarely in the face and he was knocked off of his stool and onto the dirty floor. But he didn't seem to notice. The only words from Sora's lips as he surfaced once more were,

"Is that even _legal?" _

Riku, who had barely raised his head from the table to see if his friend was okay, promptly whacked it against the bar again.

"Well," Leon attempted to answer, still laughing, "The World of Darkness is a lawless place…" Everyone paused for a moment. Cloud looked insulted; Sora looked disgusted and Leon looked as though all of his birthdays had come at once. Riku banged his fist against the table, raised his head and cried,

"It was _lonely_, okay?" and stormed out of the bar.

"Well…" Cloud commented. "What happens in The World of Darkness…" He trailed off, disgust overriding his ability to speak.

Sora found his voice again and finished, "Should probably stay in The World of Darkness."


End file.
